Sometimes...

Earlier this week I read This Star Won't Go Out, a book containing the early writings of a girl named Esther Grace Earl who was diagnosed with Thyroid Cancer at 12 and passed away at 16 and the memoirs and writings from the people she left behind. There are some books that are written slowly and must be read quickly, this is one of those golden books that play on people's heartstrings and make them questions themselves and the people around them considerably. Now I'm not going to write a book review other then that it was great and you should read it and that is all I am saying; if you want to find out if you like it well go read it yourself, ya lazy bum! My friends and sister are going to question why I did not post my humorous dialogue on the finding of the singing pretzel card but somethings are more important.
I'm a teenager and I'm kind of self-centered and I can be mean and I can say things I shouldn't. Sometimes I make stupid decisions and feel guilty over stupid things and not guilty about the things that I should feel guilty about.(my english teacher would call that sentence a run on) Sometimes I laugh to loud and sing too much and my sarcasm gets me in trouble. Sometimes I'm irrational and I cry when I'm mad or when I'm sad or just because I have tear ducts and I want to use them. Sometimes I feel powerless and other times, like there is nothing I cannot do because the world is at my finger tips.Sometimes I want to curl up in my onesie under my quilt with some tea and re-watch all three seasons of BBC's Sherlock(cough cough Benedict Cumberbatch). Sometimes I'm immature and others I convince myself I'm horrendously independent. Some days I don't think anybody understands and others I am in harmony with everyone I meet. Sometimes I don't think before I speak or the say things that I meant to. Some days I question myself about what I'm doing and what I've done. Sometimes I judge too quickly and hate people. Sometimes I'm funny and quirky and absolutely insane, while sometimes I'm moody and snarky and angry. Some days I feel hated. Most days I feel loved. Sometimes I have great self-esteem and other I don't. Sometimes I know my dreams will come true, sometimes I falter. Sometimes...I think MY star will go out.
Esther Earl lived her life through her computer. Not because she wanted to but because she had to. She influenced great, good people like John Green and tried not to judge but only to love. I am not Esther Earl, but I can strive to be like her.  I question myself because I'm not sure I'm  a person my friends can look up to, but as a teenager I've been lucky enough to find friends with passion for what they have and do and dreams that I'm sure they can achieve...I've found friends I can look up to. I look up to celebrities and actresses and long-dead people. I don't do this because I have to, but because I need to. I'm a teenager and I need role models. Little did Esther realize that she was going impact the life's of so many people, but boy did she want to. That's a dream to me. To be able to look through the face of death and say, "I'm going to try to get through you but if I can't, I can say I tried and impacted people on my way."
That's really all I have to say today. Basically just an insight on teenagers(or..um...at least kind of me...ermm I guess) really. I promise no more philosophical blogs for awhile! Definitely try to get your hands on a copy of This Star Won't Go Out as soon as you can and of course, R.I.P Esther Grace Earl. Thank you for being awesome and reminding me that if your star can shine bright so can mine. Jewel.